The Metro Citizen Police Academy

So I know that you do not know because if you did you would have told me a long time ago. There is this thing that has been going on for 16 years, right here in town, that is so incredibly cool and badass I cannot believe that I just found out about it about 3 months ago.

It is the Metro Citizens Police Academy and I just finished. I don’t even know where to begin. It is an 8 week program that is open to anyone that applies in their city and it is completely freakin free. I know you midwest folk loves you some free shit, so here it is!!!

Now I am a learner through and through, so when my pal Lori, whose husband is a Sauk Rapids police officer, told me to apply, I thought it was #fakenews. Well it was not my friends, and when I asked “but is it really cool? Like FOR REAL COOL?” she said: “Fuck yah it is, for real.”

Well that’s all I needed to hear, I went straight up to to the City of St. Joe and filled put my paperwork!

I have what I like to call a hero complex - I am obsessed with heroes (cops and military) and I too want to be a hero. I have always admired cops even when I have been getting in trouble (nothing too bad, minor consumptions back in the day and speeding tickets here and there). The opportunity to get an INSIDE look into their training and careers was beyond fascinating to me.

Broken down to 8 weeks they covered everything and each thing was more interesting then the previous. It was so comprehensive and yet I bet we barely made a dent. They didn’t waste any time either, we were shootin’ guns for a full hour, in week 2 at the Waite Park Police Station, which is something I truly enjoy, but my instructor was great and I got better as time went by. We learned about hand-cuffing and “douche burritos”, I of course would volunteer for everything so I could get the full experience.

Which brings me to the most intense thing I have ever experienced. The taser. Holy shit man, Lori and I talked about volunteering for this for days, my first mistake was to watch 100s of taser videos on Youtube the night before class and totally psyched myself out, not to mention that one of the cops said something about 1 in 100 people piss themselves, so I had that anxiety to contend with. I mean I am in a room with like 50 people and half of them are are handsome police officers, is this how I want to proceed with my life choices? Then I heard how long 5 seconds is when it comes to the light of 1000 suns coursing through your muscles and I think I decided I was out. THEN, Lori my best bro, just jumped up and said: “I’m in.” SHIT! Now I HAVE to do it, I cannot be the fraidy cat that wussed out. As I watched Lori lay on the ground and scream bloody murder for a solid 5 seconds, I was terrified. One of the cops behind me like “dude, you can’t let your pal do it alone!” , so I walk up and bordered on a panic attack as I nervously ask the guy if my hair will start on fire? Will my rings melt? What if I pee my pants? Then before I could ask 10 more ridiculous questions I was shot, perfectly in the back and ass. That guy placed those barbs for a proper dose of pain. Once it was done I stood up, I was in a flop sweat but I was JACKED, I felt like I had a new lease on life and I promised myself, if there was ever any doubt, that I would ALWAYS comply with the PO-PO. DAMN. I also remember that one of my favorite things that one of the elder gals said in week that followed our “taser twins” night, when one of the officers speaking asked if it was okay to swear she raised her hand and said: “boy those gals that got tased sure do swear!” She was not lying, if you thought you have heard a string of expletives come charging out of someones mouth you should have heard the two of us, I think some of those cops were blushing.

The following weeks were filled with the all the greatest things, driving squad cards around a track, talking on walkie-talkies, and watching K-9s sniff out drugs. My favorite of all of that was driving serpentines as fast as I possibly could but i would get frustrated because I was inevitably behind Chuck, an older gentlemen, who could barely see over the dash and was not very heavy on the gas.

The SWAT stuff, helicopter tour, the hummer, the drug task force, talking to the county attorney, every part of it was insightful and extensive. Another favorite part for me was when we got to walk though a simulation. We (the pretend officers) were called to a public place where a young troubled dude had a knife… I was all convinced that I would take care o business with this bad guy, as I was partnered up with an elderly gal named Harriet, I felt as though I would protect and take care of her. We lemme tell you, I got school by my elder Harriet, I only had to tase the guy as he lunged at us, and I missed. Well, Ms. Harriet took that mofo out, hard core, and I was benched. Humbling to say the least.

I think the main point of all of this is that these officers took the time to educate us Jonny Q Public as to what this job really entails. When we were in the squad cars and had to drive with the lights and sirens going, while talking on the radios and reciting something like pizza toppings. It was hard, and we laughed, but it was nothing compared to what our police force needs to juggle on any given day. Mad respect, seriously. I think that it is incredible what we want the police to be for us and still we hold them to an unattainable standard. There is always more to the story, there are more good than bad people, and these folks put themselves at risk on a daily basis. I say THANK YOU, for sharing what you do, for being kind and inviting to a group of people that will stop thinking that what we see on TV is real. I hope to send a few more citizens your way and to never be tased again.